The Misadventures of Johan O’Malley: Chapter 13

“Jared,” I yelled as soon as I opened the door to our dorm room. Jared leaned against his red husband pillow and watched a TV show on his iPad. “We have a problem.”

“What did you do now?” He didn’t even look away from his screen.

“I may have exaggerated about how my date went last night. Apparently, Noelle had a different story.”

He paused his show, put the iPad down and gave me his undivided attention. “Exaggerated how?”

“Well, she has a date with a different guy tonight and I have to ruin it.”

He kept his face expressionless and let out a deep breath. “What do you have in mind?”

“Well I need to know what restaurant he’s taking her to tonight so I can find a way to bump into them and hopefully, seeing me all dressed up will remind her how handsome I am and she’ll leave the cop for me.”

“Is that seriously your plan?” Jared asked.

Sadly, it was. I just had to figure out where they were going for dinner. Since Noelle wasn’t speaking to me, it meant I would have to go down to the police station and try to trick the cop into telling me where they were going.

I began my walk to the closest police station to the southern portion of Central Park. I wish it was more than just down the street so I had a longer time to fabricate a story. Good thing I was great at thinking on my toes.

I walked into the station and luckily the cop was right there. Thankfully he didn’t know who I was because I wasn’t with Noelle when he found her. I concluded that I would be safe.

“What can I help you with, son?”

Okay, this guy was, at most, a year or two older than me. Why would he refer to me as “son”?

“Hi, I’d like to report a murder.”

“Excuse me?!” The officer shrieked.

“Oh, uh. I meant a mugger. I’d like to report a mugger.”

“Oh, I see. You scared me for a second there. When did this mugging take place?”

“Umm, it was last night. In Central Park. It happened to a girl at my dance school.”

“Oh yes.” The officer said, “Beautiful girl, her idiot date abandoned her after dark. I feel terrible for her. She was so sweet. I want to beat the shit out of her date almost as bad as I do the mugger.”

Gosh, this guy was destroying me and he didn’t even know it.

“Oh, you think she was sweet? Do you think you’d ever date her? And, if so, where would you take her?” I mumbled. I didn’t want him to hear my voice crack as I choked back tears.

“Geez, kid. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were stalking her. Luckily you don’t look the least bit threatening or physically intimidating so I’ll tell you. I’m actually taking her back to the restaurant she went to the other night. I guess she wants to create a good memory that she can associate with that restaurant and not just have the horrible one of that sad date with the loser guy. I can’t imagine how that boy was raised.”

It was like he was trying to get me to hurt myself.

“Oh, and what time might you be taking her? I only ask, of course, because they get really busy and you might want to make a reservation.” At this point I was sobbing and just had to make up a story about my brother dying that morning. Which just led to a whole slew of undeserved condolences from all the guys at the station.

“We’re headed there when I get off work at eight. Why? Are you planning on keeping an eye on her to make sure she gets there and back safe? Because, I can promise you, I’ll make sure not to take my eyes off her from the moment she leaves her room to the moment she returns. I was planning on doing that anyway. You should see this girl.”

“Great, thank you!” I yelled. And rushed out of there before he saw the snot shoot out of my nose from sobbing. I couldn’t believe it. Liam has been intentionally insulting me my whole life and nothing he said hurt as much as what I heard from that cop.

At least now I knew that Noelle would be at the restaurant shortly after eight. Now I just had to find a girl to get dinner with me there so I could follow her and not look too suspicious. And make Jared come with me for back up. 

#

Okay, so the plan on finding a girl to go with me wasn’t going so well. After finding out that I was the one who abandoned Noelle on her date, none of them wanted to talk to me. Even my professors started giving me the cold shoulder. I emailed one for clarification on an assignment and she emailed me back one minute before it was due saying “It must have sucked to feel like you were abandoned by a person you needed.”

I was beginning to think that I had no way of finding a girl when I remembered the time that we didn’t have enough girls in one of the dance classes back home to fill all the female dancing roles so a guy had to fill in. Jared came to mind right away. He also had sisters so he probably knew how to act like a girl. 

#

Jared surprisingly went along with my plan. Even though it cost me $500 (sorry mom’s credit card) and on top of that I promised to cover for him when he skipped class next week to go to a music festival. I figured I would just worry about that part later. At the moment, this was all that mattered.

“Uh, dude, why are you holding my hand? We aren’t even near the restaurant yet,” Jared said to me.

“Sorry man, I’m just really nervous about this.” I responded. I had no idea how the night was going to go.

“I understand why I need to dress up but why do you need to again? I mean a hat, giant coat, sunglasses, and a fake mustache?” I thought the mustache made me look distinguished. 

“Dude, I’ve done this before. I know what I’m doing.”

“You’ve done this before? Now this is a story I have to hear!” But I chose to blow him off. It wasn’t story night, it was date night. 

We arrived at the restaurant and surprisingly were seated immediately. My disguise was definitely a good idea because we were being served by the waiter I kissed on my date with Noelle and I certainly didn’t want him recognizing me either. It started to feel like I was now on the bad side of half the people in this city.

Noelle and the cop were seated a few minutes later and, thankfully, only a couple tables down from us. The plan was just to get Noelle to notice me and take me back. But when I saw that she was laughing at everything the cop said it brought out my competitive side.

“Dude, laugh.” I said.

“What?” asked Jared, almost as confused by what I was saying as I was.

“Laugh, Jared!” I yelled, hopefully not loud enough for Noelle to hear me.

“A ha..ha…haha” Jared let out. I couldn’t believe this guy attended acting camp last summer. 

Jared started asking me exactly what the plan was. I didn’t hear a word of it because I became so focused on Noelle and the cop. At one point, after she had finally taken a break from laughing, she leaned in to give the cop a kiss.

I cut Jared off, “Alright dude, I’m sorry for what’s about to happen.”

“What do you mean, Johan, what’s about to ha-”

I leaned in and I planted a big wet kiss on Jared’s dry lips. All while trying to keep an eye on Noelle and the officer. 

He finally pushed me off. “What the hell, man! You did not say that was part of the plan.”

The cop then approached our table. I knew I was being too loud, but why did he have to approach us?

“Is this man giving you a hard time m’am…what the fu-”

I got up and began fleeing the restaurant when the cop started chasing after me. This was definitely not my smartest split second decision. I’m not even sure if he recognized who I was. He was just surprised to see that my date was actually a crossdressing guy.

“Stop, weirdo!” he yelled.

In the process of running down the street, I tried to take off the fake mustache, only to remember I used super glue. This thing wouldn’t come off, no matter how hard I pulled. Trying to get it off caused me to not watch where I was going. I tripped on something and dove face first into a tree.

I rolled over after my ears stopped ringing to find a guy reaching into my pocket. In my delirium I noticed that he was dressed exactly like I was. I guess I did buy all the most generic disguises. But why did he need to remain anonymous? He then began running in the opposite direction when I realized he stole my wallet. I then realized this must be the guy who’s been mugging people in the park after dark. If I could catch him, I’d be a local hero and none of the girls at school would be able to resist me.

“Hey, get back here!” I yelled after, trying my best to sound tough. “I’m going to make you wish you never set foot in Central Park!”

I should have been more aware of my surroundings because a group of girls about fifty meters ahead of me heard what I said and screamed before scattering and running off in different directions.

Shit, I didn’t want to alienate myself from women. This mugger took more than my wallet, he took my pride. I started running faster and faster to where I felt like I could be on a track team. Just ahead of me, I saw the light of a cell phone. It had to be him.

“I gotcha, you son of a bitch!” I yelled, as I grabbed the phone from his hand and went to punch him in the face.

Oh shit, the shirt collar I held in my fist belonged to none other than Noelle’s cop. He smashed my face into the tree and began handcuffing me before I could get a chance to explain myself. Damnit, I hadn’t worn handcuffs since the incident last Halloween at the costume store. 

“Officer, you have the wrong man,” I pleaded. But then I heard him calling in on his radio.

“Hey guys, I got the Central Park mugger; matches the physical description almost perfectly, just not as muscular, I’d describe him more as  “doughy.” But he’s wearing the exact same disguise. I’m bringing him in now. You’ve got to see this.”

Geez, was everyone in New York this much of an asshole. This was now my second time today crying around the same police officer. I started questioning my goal of making it on Broadway because I’d have to live in this outrageous city. 

Luckily, I realized a clever way to get out of this.

“Uh, dude. You’re gonna have to let me go. You forgot to read me my Amanda rights.”

“Well, that’s because Amanda rights don’t exist, idiot. If you’d like to hear your Miranda rights. Here you go. You have the right to remain silent, which I sure hope you’ll take advantage of. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me? Are you happy now, smartass?”

Wow, is that really how it ends? I guess I never paid enough attention in my government class, which was also taught by Mr. Nordberg, the guy from the cult last fall who dated my Aunt Jennifer. She even brought him to our family Thanksgiving, but that was a story for another time.

We pulled into the station and he brought me in to have me processed. When we arrived, I saw that they had arrested the actual Central Park mugger. The cops all paused when I entered and kept looking back and forth between me and the actual mugger.

“Officer, what’s the meaning of this?” his supervisor said. 

“This man tried to take my phone in Central Park.”

“Actually, it’s a misunderstanding,” I said. “I got my wallet stolen and I’d like it back. It has the condom that I stole from Liam in it. Oh yeah, and my mom’s credit cards.”

“Oh so, a stolen condom and stolen credit cards. Let me guess, you were going to pay for dinner with that drag queen you call Liam using the credit cards and then use the condom in case you got “lucky” with her later?” 

“Oh don’t worry, Liam’s my brother.” I said, about to further explain my story. But the guy just said “Oh, that is twisted!” before tossing me in the cell and shutting off the lights.

“Help,” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Don’t I get a damn phone call?”

“Oh, of course,” the officer said, “how could I have forgotten!”

I thought he was going to come back and let me out to have my phone call. But he came back in with three other cops and put me in a straight jacket. 

“He definitely seems like one who could become dangerous in the night. We wouldn’t want him harming himself or any of his cellmates.”

They’re putting me in a straight jacket in a cell with other people? How would I defend myself? The guys came and slipped me into the straight jacket, which I hated to admit was actually kind of comfortable. He then tossed me into a padded cell with about six other guys all in straight jackets also. What was this place? They then shut off the lights and ditched us again. We were like a bunch of infants at naptime just lying on our backs in the dark crying and pooping our pants (Not my fault, they didn’t let me go to the bathroom before tossing me in here and nobody responded to my cries that I really had to go.) before eventually giving up and just falling asleep.