The Misadventures of Johan O’Malley: New Year, Same Old Johan

This Misadventures of Johan O’Malley: New Year, Same Old Johan takes place two weeks after The Misadventures of Johan O’Malley: A Very Merry Johan.

Who doesn’t love a man in a tuxedo? I couldn’t believe that someone my age would be hosting a black-tie New Year’s Eve party with champagne.

I made sure to triple check that I had the right invitation this time. I didn’t want a repeat of Halloween night. Melody’s invitation came the day after the holiday concert debacle. It gave me an opportunity to finally win her over and tell the truth about the song. After what Craig pulled, Johan Sebastian Craig disbanded after only one performance. 

Melody’s party gave me the perfect excuse to win her over…even if Craig would be there. Even though Craig and Melody were together, I still had a three-year head start on getting to know her. I didn’t know Craig very well, but I could tell she and him didn’t have much in common. Tonight would be my time to prove myself. 

It was almost 7:30 and Melody’s party started in half an hour. I was still trying to decide whether I wanted to get there right when it started in order to maximize the amount of time I had to impress her or if I wanted to show up late. I also snuck a few practice sips from our liquor cabinet while my mom was out with Arthur this afternoon because there could be booze at this party. I don’t want anyone there to see me make a disgusted face and know that I didn’t have much experience with alcohol.

#

It was 9:30 and I’d finally stumbled my way to Melody’s doorstep. I made the decision to show up fashionably early but, when I went to get in the car, my mom told me that Liam had taken it to meet up with some friends. It turned out to be a good thing because not long after I started to feel a little dizzy from the drinking earlier and was definitely not fit to be behind the wheel of a car. At least I wasn’t as nervous as I would have been if I hadn’t had something earlier.

I was surprised that the house seemed pretty quiet. Maybe she downgraded the party from a big gathering to a small hangout. That made me feel more special–like I had made it into Melody’s inner circle. I knocked on the door and was surprised to be greeted by Melody’s parents. Try acting sober, I said to myself.

“Haha, Johan! Why should I try acting sober? It’s New Year’s Eve, come on in!” Melody’s dad said when greeting me at the door. I guess when I was drunk, I was really bad at talking under my breath. I guess Melody’s parents were hosting their own party upstairs while Melody’s party was in the basement. There goes my plan of getting any privacy with her.

I walked into what I thought was the basement, but turned out to be the bathroom. I was lucky I did because right when I walked in, something not very pretty happened. I’m glad Melody didn’t see that. Sadly, I forgot to bring mouthwash, so I scoured the bathroom for something to freshen my breath. I poured a bunch of what I thought was mouthwash, into my mouth but after swooshing it around for a few seconds, I realized it was aftershave! I spit it out all over the bathroom mirror which, thankfully, was not too difficult to wipe off. At least the aftershave made my breath smell better so I couldn’t complain.

I then walked across the hall and opened the door to the basement where the party actually was. “I’m here!” I announced over the music before tumbling down the stairs. Everyone was staring over at me so I stood up and said “Ta-da” to make it seem like I did it on purpose, before collapsing onto the couch where I would remain for the next half hour. It took me a while to realize that everyone else wore more casual clothes. Most girls wore sparkly short dresses and practically every guy paired button downs with jeans. Didn’t the invite say black tie? I looked so out of place here, even if my tux made me feel suave and debonair. 

“Johan, I’m so glad you made it!” I knew that voice anywhere. Melody came up to me and wow, did she look stunning tonight.

“Of course I made it Melody. Why wouldn’t I come to your New Year’s party? I’ve heard they’re always fun.”

“Oh, I just thought you might be busy with something else like on Halloween. So I’m glad you were able to come.” I thought impressing her was going to be easy. But then I saw her nose crinkle.

“Johan, did you drink aftershave?” Melody asked me, concerned.

“What? Of course not!” I said, trying to think of something witty to say next, “Did you splash mouthwash on your face?” Definitely not my best work. But I was beginning to sober up so it was time to see if that would make me more or less awkward.

“You’re too funny Johan. Listen, I need to go change the music. Have fun. You should know a lot of the people here.”

My head still spun when I walked over to the dance floor. With Mohammed visiting his grandparents and Mike wanting to be in bed by 10, I didn’t have my two best friends as back up. I did, however, recognize my ex-band mate Craig. He stood by the punch bowl smirking. I had to stop myself from lunging at him. But sadly I was parched so I had to go over to the punch bowl, which meant I would have to talk to Craig.

“Hey man,” Craig said as I tried keeping my back to him “you know how much Melody’s talked about you since we started dating?” Now this got my attention. I knew she had feelings for me.

“How much!?” I asked, a little too excited to try hiding the desperation in my voice. I sipped my punch nonchalantly to make it seem like I didn’t actually care that much.

“Not at all! You haven’t come up once. Are you sure you guys were that close?”

Now I was feeling hurt. “Uh, yeah. We’ve hung out a bunch since the year began.”

“Yeah, right,” Craig said, giving me a smirk.

“We did,” I said, thinking Craig just underestimated my charm.

“Dude, she never mentions you, I think you should move on.” Craig said.

“Sure” I said, thinking about all the ways I could embarrass Craig tonight.

I didn’t spend too much time worrying about Craig though. I only had one thing to focus on: Melody. I could spot her bright silver dress from across the room. I tried to look cool when approaching her, but I was starting to feel dizzy and I had to put my arms out in front of me to balance the way little kids do when they’re just learning to walk.

“Hey Johan,” Melody called to me, “why are you walking like Frankenstein? Are you okay?”

“I’m great!” I yelled over to her, before crashing on the couch again.

“Okay,” she said back to me, as she approached her new boyfriend, Craig. I planned on staying the entire night, but the sight of the two of them kissing caused an irrevocable pain in my heart. 

I didn’t know what the hell I was doing there watching my ex-band mate kiss the girl of my dreams. “I’m just gonna go upstairs and spend time with the adults. They seem more sophisticated than the people down here,” I said, trying to show off the new slang I learned and to seem cool by saying adults are better to hang out with. But sadly, nobody was listening.  

But the party upstairs didn’t go any better. I felt so out of place and nobody wanted to make small talk with me. Even though it wasn’t close to midnight yet, I decided to leave, feeling completely defeated. 

After what felt like an hour of walking, I heard an announcer and a large crowd coming from the town square. I wandered over there to see what all the commotion was about. But when I saw it, I wished I had just stayed at Melody’s party. 

“Now debuting their new hit single: New Year, New Me, please welcome to the stage Little Timmy and the older gentleman.”

Did that man even have a name?

I didn’t like seeing them succeed without me. But at least it didn’t sound like this one would be about me like the ones at the holiday battle of the bands. I could just hang out and enjoy Little Timmy’s surprisingly deep voice.

New Year’s is tonight

But you’ve already dropped the ball

We couldn’t be gladder you left us

By the time we got the call

But we know that you’re still watching

Like a fly up on the wall

Try to knock me off my game

But you know I’m not gonna fall!

I was way too out of it to realize this song was also about me. So, I started cheering and dancing. Calling attention to myself was probably not what I should’ve been doing. This sounded more like something Sum-41 would perform. Could these guys just do every genre?

I couldn’t even leave at this point because the crowd was packed too tightly for me to get out. Everyone in town was now forcing me to stay here and listen to this. Even worse, I then heard what sounded like my mom’s voice go “Johan?” And I looked up to see that she was crowd-surfing. I thought my mom and Arthur were going downtown for a fancy gala in the city. They turned that down for Little Timmy?

Come try taking this mic.

We’ll see who’s got the quickest hands.

You may hate us, Johan.

But your mom’s our biggest fan!

I took their invitation to come take the mic as my second shot at fame. I walked up onstage, doing the Frankenstein walk that seemed to be a big hit at Melody’s party. The crowd went crazy. They started screaming and cheering. This was my moment to shine! I wanted to show off my dancing, but the stage didn’t have enough room. Then I remembered something else from Liam’s rock documentaries- all great performers ended their show with a stage dive. I went to the back of the stage to get a running start like when I would jump off the dock at the beach house. This was going to be a moment I’d remember forever. I sprinted my way to the front of the stage, ready for my moment…

#

I woke up at home…on January 2nd! I immediately yelled for my mom who came into my room laughing. I demanded she tell me what happened and she pulled up a YouTube video!

Dude Botches Stage Dive Dancing to Diss Track Directed at Him. Five million views, seriously? Also, does nobody appreciate a short title anymore!?

At least it didn’t have my name in it

But that didn’t matter because, as soon as I got up onstage, they announced that I was the one they were singing about and everyone just started booing and throwing peanuts at me. Does everyone bring those to shows?

The video then continues with me taking off my clothes and dancing. It wasn’t even a sexy dance, I just started doing the Cotton Eyed Joe while stripping. I was about to pause the video because I had gotten down to my underwear, but then I heard the crowd start chanting “Keep it on! Keep it on!” I then replied “Oh, sure. I’ll keep it on!”

I fast forwarded the video because I couldn’t watch that part. I’m now at a point in the video where I started dancing with my pants on my head. I then announced that I was going to do my stage dive, at least I can check that off my bucket list, but then the camera pans out to show that everyone has left. So, when I dove off the stage, I just landed face first in the snow and immediately passed out.

At least my mom said the snow prevented me from getting a concussion and I got to miss school for the rest of the week.  

Against my better judgment though, I started reading the comments. People could be cruel when they aren’t speaking to your face. I thought they’d be commenting on my Herculean body, but they were all just mocking my dance moves and saying how small my muscles were. It was cold out for god’s sake! I was about to close out and start focusing on how I could figure out how to fix the damage to my reputation. But then I saw a comment that interested me…

I’m a talent agent in New York, but lucky for you I also work with people who just do crazy stunts that attract attention. Message me privately, I think I could make you help you capitalize on your fifteen minutes of fame.

I emailed her immediately. Despite what she said, I planned on making this fame last a lifetime.